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How to Be a Douchebag

There's bad behavior, and there's douchey behavior. These red flags will let you know if you're crossing the line into dreaded douchebag territory.

Instructions

  • Step 1: What is a douche? Know what a douchebag is: an obnoxious, pretentious, self-important jerk who's oblivious to their own ridiculousness.
  • Step 2: Have an outsized ego Have an outsized ego. Be convinced that you are smarter, sexier, and more talented than anyone else on the planet -- and don't let any evidence to the contrary convince you otherwise.
  • TIP: Whether you're bragging or bitching, compare yourself to legendary figures.
  • Step 3: Be an office douchebag Be the reigning douchebag at work by repeating what colleagues say -- in slightly different, more pretentious language -- and then packaging as your own idea. There's no better way to win office enemies.
  • Step 4: Be a misogynist Be a misogynist. Douchebags feel superior to women in every way, even if they pay lip service to equality. They also believe they're irresistible to the gender they so demean.
  • Step 5: Be a one-upper Constantly one-up friends. Sure, your preening pomposity will drive people away, but you'll master the art of the put-down.
  • Step 6: Clean up your act If you've recognized yourself in any of these behaviors, do everyone a favor and clean up your act. Because you don't really want to be a douchebag, do you?
  • FACT: Self-proclaimed psychic John Edward was dubbed "The Biggest Douche in the Universe" in an episode of the animated series South Park.

You Will Need

  • Douchebag definition
  • Despicable behavior
  • Icons (optional)

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