Oopsy poopsy! You tried to let one rip, but expelled more than you bargained for -- an accident known as a "shart." And boy, do you need our help.
Step 1: Get to a restroom Get to a restroom as quickly as possible. If there are paper towels, grab a fistful, dampen, and squirt with liquid soap. If not, use a wad of damp, soapy toilet paper.
Step 2: Strip from the waist down Strip from the waist down and clean yourself with the paper towels. Check yourself thoroughly to discover the full extent of the shart damage. When you're done, wrap your underwear in toilet paper so that when you toss them in the garbage, your bodily malfunctions are hidden.
TIP: Use any unsoiled portion of your underwear as a washcloth.
Step 3: Examine your pants Examine your pants or skirt. If your shart spread beyond your underwear, flush the toilet to make sure the water is relatively clean, then dip the soiled areas into the toilet water and clean them as best you can. Yes, you'll be left with awkwardly placed water spots, but better that people think you peed yourself than…what really happened.
TIP: Use a business card to scrape solids into the toilet.
Step 4: Get dressed Get dressed, and wash your hands thoroughly. Take a look at yourself in the mirror from all angles to make sure you haven't missed any spots. Mask any lingering stench with whatever you might have on hand -- perfume, hand sanitizer, a tuna sandwich -- anything smells better than poop.
Step 5: Fake a different accident If despite your best efforts your sharting episode is still obvious, find the nearest mud puddle, snow bank, or dirty gutter and fake a backwards fall. Better that kind of accident than the actual one.
FACT: The 2004 movie Along Came Polly popularized the term "sharting."