How Not to Conduct a Job Interview

Recruiters have one of the highest rates of job burnout. If only they had released some steam now and then.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Keep them waiting Keep the applicant waiting in the reception area for no good reason so he’ll have added time to get nervous.
  • Step 2: Act surly When you finally fetch him, come across as someone who hates his own job. Break the ice with, 'Now who are you again?'
  • TIP: If you notice signs of nervousness—the applicant is sweating profusely, turning beet red, or stammering—be sure to point this out.
  • Step 3: Do all the talking Begin by saying, 'Let me tell you a little bit about myself' and launch into a monologue. Ask whether he thinks you’d look better as a redhead. Whatever he says, let your tone suggest he gave the wrong answer.
  • Step 4: Go off topic Repeatedly go off topic, lose your place, and do everything to convince the candidate that you are in desperate need of medication. Just to keep things interesting, repeatedly call him by the wrong name.
  • TIP: If corrected, glare at him and say, 'Isn’t that what I just called you?'
  • Step 5: Take phone calls Feel free to take personal phone calls. By pantomime, let the candidate know that the person on the other end is crazy, then spend five minutes cooing, 'No, I love you more' in a baby voice
  • Step 6: Say there’s no job At this point, confess that there is no job per se, but you wanted to test the waters as it were by seeing how the
  • Step 7: Don’t show him out Let him find his own way out of the office, even if said office is such a maze that he’ll no doubt get hopelessly lost. If you run into him later, shout and threaten to call security.
  • FACT: According to one survey, 85% of people believe body piercings and tattoos impede a candidate’s chances of getting the job.

You Will Need

  • Job applicants
  • Interview area with no privacy
  • A total disregard for the interviewee's feelings
  • No plan of attack whatsoever
  • No knowledge of the applicant coming in the door

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