How to Get Your Roommate to Leave So You Can Have Sex

You've got a sex partner who's ready, willing, able -- and even enthusiastic. If only you could get your @$%&# roommate to go away…

Instructions

  • Step 1: Send him on a food run Give him enough money to buy a pizza, a box of donuts, or a bag of burgers -- whichever gives him the most incentive to make a food run.
  • Step 2: Offer a bribe He's not hungry? Offer a bribe, like you'll write his next history paper or do his laundry for a month. Hey, do you want to get laid or dontcha?
  • Step 3: Make him uncomfortable No dice? Then try to make him so uncomfortable with your public display of affection that he'll leave of his own accord.
  • Step 4: Bore him to death What the...? Your PDA is actually turning him on! Reverse gears by engaging in an excruciatingly boring pastime and insisting he join in.
  • Step 5: Beg him to leave Oh, great. Now he's having fun with you two. Time to swallow your pride and beg him to leave. And when we say beg, we mean groveling.
  • TIP: Remind him that if he hopes to get lucky in the near future, he'd best stay on your good side. If you must, squeeze out a few tears.
  • Step 6: Get down to business Get down to business the second he leaves. You probably don't have much time!
  • FACT: Davidson College in North Carolina uses the Myers-Briggs personality test to match up first-year roommates.

You Will Need

  • Money for food
  • A bribe
  • Public displays of affection
  • A willingness to beg

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