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How to Leave the White House

Sure, you want to leave the White House with dignity. But you also want to leave with lots of free stuff -- and maybe leave a few surprises for the next guy or gal.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Sneak out a few valuables Sneak out a few valuables. If you're caught, say you thought the stuff was given to you personally, as opposed to the country or White House.
  • TIP: If you really love an item, bribe the donor beforehand with a presidential appointment or pardon. That way, he won't make a fuss that his ottoman or whatnot was supposed to become a part of American history, not end up in your living room.
  • Step 2: Stock up on little stuff Don't forget the little things -- take a lifetime supply of presidential seal napkins and office supplies.
  • Step 3: Make your mark on the White House Make your mark on the White House. Bring in carpenters to make the Oval Office square, and paint the Blue Room teal and the Green Room a restful seafoam.
  • TIP: Carve your initials under the Oval Office's historic Resolute desk.
  • Step 4: Leave fun surprises Leave fun surprises for your successor. If you detest the person, have rolls of toilet paper printed with their face, and leave them in all the bathrooms. If you like your replacement, have rolls printed with the face of the person they defeated.
  • Step 5: Make your farewell note special Make the obligatory handwritten note to your successor special by telling them everything you wish you'd known when you took office.
  • Step 6: Make a prank phone call Call the "red phone" at 3 a.m. on the new president's first morning in office and say that the VP just staged a coup.
  • FACT: When George W. Bush moved into the White House in January 2001, computer keyboards were missing the letter "W," desk drawers were glued together, and signs that said "Office of Strategery" were reportedly hung on doors.

You Will Need

  • Sticky fingers
  • A sense of humor
  • Feelings of entitlement

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