How to Get Money Out of Your Parents

So it’s one month into the school year and you’ve already blown through the entire semester’s allowance. You’re gonna need a good strategy.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Don't call them Don’t call them—wait for them to phone. When they complain that they never hear from you, tell them calls cost money.
  • TIP: Crunch some paper into the phone as you’re chatting. When asked, say you’re rolling pennies so you can buy dinner.
  • Step 2: Sound weak Next time they call, sound weak. When they show concern, tell them you’re just a little tired from donating plasma for cash three times this week.
  • TIP: If you’re a guy, add that you’re looking into the more profitable sperm donation. Girls, say, 'Hey, did you guys know I could get $5,000 for my eggs?'
  • Step 3: Ask for canned goods Tell your mom you’d love her to send some of her homemade brownies—then ask if she could toss in a few canned goods as well.
  • Step 4: Too broke to come home Gently break it to them that you won’t be coming home for the holidays after all. When pushed, sheepishly admit you don’t have the money.
  • Step 5: Have response ready Have a good response ready when they ask what happened to all your money, like, 'I’ve been eating out a lot to avoid the E. coli they keep finding in the cafeteria food.'
  • Step 6: Reinforce good behavior When they insist on replenishing your account, reinforce this good behavior by telling them they are the best parents in the whole wide world.
  • FACT: According to a recent survey, the average college student has about $287 to spend per month on discretionary items.

You Will Need

  • Solvent parents
  • Acting skills
  • Willingness to bend the truth

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