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How to Act If a Dog Is Humping Your Leg

Everyone loves a party—until the host’s pooch starts giving your leg a little bit of his doggie style. Show that canine he’s not humping any old bitch.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Don’t panic Stay calm. In addition to your apparently enthralling scent, fear can be sniffed out by dogs—so panicking may only exacerbate the situation.
  • Step 2: Try a bribe Drag yourself and your frisky friend over to the buffet table and discreetly offer him a tasty treat in exchange for a dismount.
  • TIP: Go for a meaty snack; he probably won’t let go of your leg for a celery stick.
  • Step 3: Fake him out If you don’t have a snack, try throwing an imaginary ball across the room.
  • Step 4: Make a joke If none of your tricks have worked, it’s time to get others involved. Call attention to your predicament with a joke. Just be cool about it. Your host will be embarrassed enough without you piling on.
  • TIP: Try this one: 'Whoa, easy there, Fido—that’s not a Milk Bone in my pocket.'
  • Step 5: Demand assistance At this point, if the mutt has not been removed, all bets are off. You are well within your rights to howl at your host. Feel free to use profanity.
  • Step 6: Ride it out If the dog’s owner is uncooperative, you just may have to weather the storm. Who knows? Maybe you’ll get a new best friend out of the deal.
  • FACT: Neutered and female dogs sometimes hump legs as an act of dominance, not sex—so get over yourself already!

You Will Need

  • Calm nerves
  • Quick wits
  • Snack food
  • Wet naps (just in case)

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