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How to Write Truly Tasteless Wedding Vows

Can we be frank? No one cares about your vows except you. Which is exactly why you should feel free to indulge your every wedding whim.


  • Step 1: Sex them up Make your vows sexy. Say things that make everyone—old and young alike—cringe with embarrassment.
  • Step 2: Hone your standup act Treat your vows like a stand-up routine.
  • Step 3: Include inside jokes Include lots of inside jokes. Who cares if no one at the service knows what the hell you’re talking about? This day is about you.
  • Step 4: Wax poetic Set your vows in iambic pentameter. Everyone loves amateur poetry.
  • Step 5: Make them gag Make your promises so touchy-feely, lovey-dovey, ooey, gooey, that your loved ones want to gag.
  • Step 6: Break into song For truly memorable vows, break into song—preferably one you wrote yourself.
  • Step 7: Make it lengthy Make your vows as long as possible. Hey, you may not have a captive audience like this ever again.
  • FACT: Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s wedding vows included a promise to make milkshakes. The marriage lasted four years.

You Will Need

  • Self-absorption
  • Cheesiness
  • No shame

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