How to Be a Sanctimommy

Whether you actually want to be a sanctimommy -- a sanctimonious mommy -- or you want to avoid turning into one, these guidelines will help.

Instructions

  • Step 1: Feel smug about all the ways you’re putting your child’s needs ahead of your own. Cast judgment on women who don’t share your views.
  • Step 2: Insist that you do not judge women who get epidurals, rely on formula, go back to work when their maternity leave ends, and give their kids sugary cereal and processed cheese. They’re just jealous, right?
  • FACT: Supermodel Gisele Bundchen was branded a sanctimommy when she told an interviewer there should be a worldwide law that mothers breastfeed for 6 months.
  • TIP: Post links on message boards or blog about your superior methods and parenting philosophy.
  • Step 3: Understand that it is your duty as a sanctimommy to educate other, less-informed women about the importance of at-home birth, breastfeeding, and everything else you think you know about parenting.
  • Step 4: Hire a midwife to help you through natural childbirth at home; you would never use painkillers for your own comfort.
  • Step 5: Breastfeed for at least one year -- a sanctimommy would never use formula. Don’t even try to hide your disdain for women who switch to formula sooner or formula-feed from birth. When your child graduates to solid food, make sure it’s homemade and organic.
  • Step 6: Quit your job the minute you know you’re pregnant. Sanctimommies understand that motherhood is a full-time gig.

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