How to Be a Stage Mom

A supportive parent can help nurture their offspring's talent, but it takes a real stage mom to make a child a star!

Instructions

  • TIP: Protect your child from the paparazzi; it's your job to destroy your offspring's sense of privacy.
  • Step 1: Once your child's being treated like royalty, treat yourself to the accoutrements of the rich and famous. When you burn through all the money, consider having more kids. Remember: a stage mom's only as valuable as the number of children claimed on her tax return.
  • FACT: In 2010, the police were called to a New York ice cream shop after a worker there refused to give Lindsay Lohan's mom a free cake.
  • Step 2: Cozy up to anyone in power to help your child land bigger and better roles. Demand special treatment for your progeny so the crew knows they're dealing with a true star.
  • Step 3: If your child lands a gig, clear your schedule -- the real work's just beginning. Arrange a place for yourself on set or backstage; then, monitor your child's performance for the good of their career and your family's bank account.
  • TIP: If your child has a pretty face but no true talent, try the pageant circuit.
  • Step 4: Hire a photographer to take headshots. Print out a stack of glossy 8-by-10s and carry them wherever you go; you never know when you'll meet somebody who could make your child a star.
  • Step 5: Look through trade publications and classified ads to find auditions. Go to as many as humanly possible.
  • Step 6: See where your child's talents lie, and nurture them through private lessons and a strict practice regimen. Don't worry about the cost: you’ll have tons of money when your child is famous!

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