How to Be a Well-Behaved Drunk

Being smashed is no excuse for rude behavior. These tips will let you keep your tequila and your dignity.

Instructions

• Step 1: Well-behaved drunks don't leave stains, so stick with clear drinks that are less likely to ruin carpets and clothes if they're spilled. Avoid handling greasy foods for the same reason.
• Step 2: If you're about to lose your lunch, find a receptacle. Try to make it to the toilet or a sink; if that proves impossible, hurl into something. Because a well-behaved drunk keeps their vomit to themselves.
• FACT: The more intelligent Americans are in their childhood, the more alcohol they consume as young adults.
• Step 3: Pass on the coffee. Drinking excessive amounts of caffeine won't sober you up; it will just make you a more high-strung drunk.
• Step 4: Don't sing or dance. Being boozed up may cause you to believe you possess more talent than you really do.
• Step 5: One of the most important parts of being a well-behaved drunk is watching what you say. Before you get drunk, remind yourself that when you are drunk, you will need to edit your thoughts before you voice them.
• Step 6: Go ahead and tell everyone you love them, if that's what you need to do. Just refrain from showing too much affection.
• TIP: Increase the personal space between yourself and others; drunks tend to spit when they talk.
• : Don't drink unless you're of legal age. Drink responsibly, and never drink and drive.