Whether you want to be just like Caroline, Dina, Teresa, Jacqueline, and Danielle, or you don't want to be _anything_ like them, these pointers will help.
- TIP: Never use 1 insult when you can use 2, and don't worry about grammar.
- Step 1: Hold a grudge. Don't take into account how long ago the bad behavior occurred, whether amends have since been made, or whether or not you were even involved in the initial episode. Nurse that sucker as though your frenemy just said your new baby is ugly.
- Step 2: If you ever become one of the real Real Housewives of New Jersey, enjoy the last laugh: they are rumored to make as much as $30,000 per episode. And that's not small tomatoes.
- FACT: The season 1 finale of _The Real Housewives of New Jersey_ attracted more than 4.6 million viewers.
- Step 3: Perfect the art of talking trash -- to someone's face, behind their back, and as a fun group activity that ends in overturned tables and hair-extension-pulling.
- Step 4: Be an overly involved parent by including your children in whatever you're doing -- cooking, shopping, accosting, stalking.
- Step 5: When decorating your home, think "gilded wedding banquet hall." Bonus points if your house can accommodate a crystal chandelier that requires its own lift.
- Step 6: Share too much information about your sex life, whether it consists of phone sex with strangers or the demands of an insatiable husband.
- TIP: Refer to your breasts as "bubbies," a cross between "boobies" and the Yiddish term of endearment, "bubala."
- Step 7: Marry a man who can take out his wallet and peel off a couple of $1,000 bills when you're going shopping.