How To Declare Your Independence

What more fitting time than the Fourth of July to assert your own autonomy from your bitchy boss, a two-faced friend, or that sad excuse for a significant other?

Instructions

  • Step 1: Create a symbol of your freedom to keep you inspired – like a personal anthem with such high notes that no one but Mariah Carey can sing it. Or maybe just a tee shirt.
  • Step 2: Stay strong! Venturing out on your own may not be easy. You might want to stock up on emergency supplies.
  • Step 3: Celebrate your independence by inviting your fellow freedom fighters over for a victory celebration. End the night with a beautiful fireworks display.
  • FACT: Approximately 50,000 men died in the American Revolutionary War, the majority from disease.
  • Step 4: Be prepared for a bad reaction on the oppressor’s part.
  • TIP: Point out that your reasons for breaking things off should be “self-evident.”
  • Step 5: Find some allies who are willing to help you realize your dream of freedom.
  • Step 6: Plan an exit strategy with the help of your inner circle.
  • Step 7: Write your own declaration of independence, stating why you feel it’s necessary to separate from your oppressor.
  • Step 8: Let your oppressor know you’re not going to take his crap anymore.

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