Face it, you’re a nobody – but you’d like to be a somebody. What better way then to give yourself a celebrity wedding? Here’s what to do.
- Step 1: Hire a limo to take you to the wedding, but let a decoy exit the limo while you take the back entrance to the church. Arrange for four of the paparazzi to be there to ambush you anyway.
- Step 2: Show up very late to everything, including your own ceremony. Celebs are never on time.
- Step 3: Wear sunglasses everywhere and be extremely rude to everyone. Look distressed as if you only wanted to have a small, quiet wedding.
- Step 4: Consider overdosing, or asking one of your bridesmaids to OD. As an alternative, just have an ambulance arrive and say it’s for “you-know-who” in the bathroom.
- FACT: The most expensive celebrity wedding – the marriage of Liza Minnelli and David Gest in 2002 – cost $3.5 million.
- TIP: Play a recording of a helicopter over the sound system. Tell guests it’s one tabloid trying to scoop another on the first wedding photos.
- Step 5: Hire at least eight photographers, or just have some friends pretend to be paparazzi as guests enter the venue. Have them follow you everywhere. Look annoyed that they’re there. At a certain point throw a fit and break one of their cameras.
- Step 6: Send invites to actual celebrities and hope they come. Meanwhile, contact a modeling agency to hire some celeb look-alikes to fake a Hollywood presence.
- Step 7: Hire a publicist to tell everyone – including the major media outlets – about your wedding.
- Step 8: Ask your biggest friends to play your bouncers. Have them stand at the door with a guest list, turning away those who "aren't on the list." They may also randomly rough people up.
- TIP: Add a long red carpet to the front entrance.
- Step 9: Pick out and buy the most expensive and elaborate designer dress you can find. You wont pass for famous in a plain white sheath.