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How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

Oh, sure, they may look cute -- but it takes real know-how to survive when garden gnomes attack!


  • Step 1: When you're sure the attack is over, get the heck out of dodge. Consider moving to a concrete jungle devoid of gardens and lawns where dangerous gnomes lie in wait.
  • FACT: The first garden gnome was sold in Leipzig, Germany, in 1884.
  • TIP: Swing the sledgehammer like a croquet mallet to destroy reclining gnomes.
  • Step 2: While your enemy's busy, grab a sledgehammer. Then, approach the gnome quietly and swing the weapon over your head, coming down on the tip of the gnome's hat, its weakest structural area, and smashing the gnome's body completely. Repeat as needed.
  • Step 3: Protect yourself. Focus on your legs and feet; attacking garden gnomes often hobble their prey before bringing them to the ground.
  • Step 4: Face-to-face with a miniature menace? Create a distraction based on the gnome's pictured accompaniments, which often represent its true passion in life. Even the most bloodthirsty won't be able to resist.
  • Step 5: Look for signs of a garden gnome threat: miniature boot-prints, strange rock formations, and quick flashes of color.

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