How To Tell Your Parents You're Flunking Out

You might want to invest in a bulletproof vest, just in case.

Step 1: If the situation is really dire—you're in danger of being kicked out—tell them that the Foundation of Economic Trends recently concluded that more than 35% of college graduates take jobs that do not require college degrees.
FACT: Leo Tolstoy, author of War and Peace, flunked out of college.
Step 2: Scour news sources for a world disaster of epic proportions. Remind your parents of the importance of perspective—your failing grades are but an insignificant blip compared with people dying or losing everything as a result of the catastrophe.
Step 3: Reframe recent events in such a way that it seems that the college is failing you rather than the other way around.
TIP: Make sure they hear the news from you—not the dean of students.
Step 4: Prepare them for the news by hinting that an earth-shattering tragedy has befallen you. Encourage them to think along the lines of incurable diseases.